I'm not sure what to think anymore. Sometimes, it seems that we're on the brink of closing that gap, and then you push me away again. Just when I'm starting to get close, you hold me at arm's length, for whatever reason, and I feel hurt all over again.

I know that this will probably be like all the other times--the push and pull--but I can't help thinking that this is going nowhere. I just want to be close to you once. I want to feel your body up against mine, your lips caressing my skin, and your hands exploring me for the first time. If only once.

And I don't know how to go about this. If I need to beg you, the way you've been begging me, or if I need to leave you at arm's length. If I do that, if I feign disinterest, will you crawl on your hands and knees and beg me the way you have? Is this a "hard to get" game? Am I more attractive when I don't give in?

Tell me what to do, because I am at a loss these days.

Our communication is so sparse and faceless, that sometimes it's hard to tell what your intentions are. For the last few nights, I have fought with myself. Should I hop on a train and walk in, just to see the expression on your face? Do I pick up the phone, interrupting you at work, just to hear your voice? Or is that too much?

There's almost no time. And when the opportunity comes, are you going to let it pass? I'm willing to go a little out of my way to figure all of this out. I need you to do the same. If you love me as much as you say you do, you'd do all you could.

Fuck you
and your untouchable face.
And fuck you
for existing in the first place.

I'm so tired of this. So tired of all of this. Tired of caring, tired of sharing; I'm tired of giving and never getting back. All of this has been compounding over months and months and months and I can't take anymore. I've tried. I've tried to tell you (not in so many words) how I feel, and, really, it's superfluous.

A whisper in my ear tells me how you feel. That everything I feel for you is returned. But I don't believe it. I can't. Because even if it is true, what does that do for me? For us? Nothing. I'm free to do what I want. I can walk away guilt-free. I didn't make any commitments. You did. Your hands are tied. You should thank your lucky stars that I care. That I care how she feels. That I've been through that already.

Nobody stuck up for me. If they had, it probably wouldn't have happened. If his "friend" had told him "Hey, buddy, don't you have someone back home?" But no. Nobody did that for me. So I guess this is my way of giving to the world. Not that it will ever be directly returned to me in some cosmic supernatural give and receive. Fuck Karma. I'm not doing it for what may or may not come to me in the future. I'm doing this for what was done to me in the past. I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself. That I would toss and turn for years over it. And for what? Something I can get from my vibrator? At least my vibrator doesn't have to take a shower afterward. Or lie.

I know a part of my aversion is due to my feelings. I'm afraid of getting hurt. That it will all go down and it will not have meant anything more to you than a lay. But honestly, I could really give a shit if you care about me. I could really give a shit if you're fucking in love with me. Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't do me any good to know that. As much as I want to know, it doesn't do me any good. So I will purposefully deprive myself of that knowledge. I will force myself to suffer.

But that reason is only slight. I don't want to be that...that...The Other Woman. I want to be The Woman. The One. The Only. Why should I settle for anything less? I know I can control myself. Despite what people might think about human behavior and impulse, I think it IS possible to control yourself, if that's what you want more than anything. I don't want you more than anything. I want, more than anything, to be free of guilt and shame. And if I have to deprive myself of something to achieve that, I will. I don't believe in living with regret; I make my decisions to fit that belief. It's possible to be impulsive and be responsible at the same time.

But now I don't know what to do or how to act. I've been interacting under the assumption that there was a POSSIBILITY. Now, there is no possibility. I've made my decision. I know I'll only end up hurt. But what to do? I can't go cold. You'll notice. You'll bug me and bug me until you break all of my resolve. I try to pump myself up. I tell myself "I'm going to be good today." And then you look at me and all of that strength crumbles. I find myself saying things that I don't want to say. Things I don't want you to hear, afraid I will face rejection. 

In six weeks, it won't make a difference. In six weeks, I will be gone, and I can forget about you. I know I'll have to come back, but maybe by then all of it will have faded. At least into something manageable. Something I can tolerate.

Sometimes, I feel like this stupid little girl. This stupid little girl who doesn't know what she wants, or whose confidence is misplaced. Is it egotistical for me to think you feel even remotely close to what I feel? Probably.

Either way, I'm tired. I'm tired of all of this. I can't do it anymore. And I'm counting down the days until I can walk away from you without turning back.